tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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