Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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