Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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