Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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