apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
