I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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