I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
