Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
