i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
