So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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