I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
