i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
