Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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