tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
