I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
