remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
