Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
