Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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