Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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