Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
