Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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