You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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