i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
