That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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