he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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