I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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