you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
