I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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