he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
