I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
