She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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