somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
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