There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You took a bar mat shot.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
