WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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