Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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