So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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