I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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