So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Is Oprah even human
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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