Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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