I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
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Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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