I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
well you can't waste a boner
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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