I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
