take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
