I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
