I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
