My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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