halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE