Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
