Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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