If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
