I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
