You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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