sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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