Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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