everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
this hospital has no fireball
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
