If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
