Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
