i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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