She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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