i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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