This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
