so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
